Ordinary Courage

For the past three months, before beginning work each day I have needed to pass through a screening checkpoint at my hospital. As an Emergency Physician who usually just walks into the ER through the ambulance bay, this process initially caused some trepidation. It is odd to be asked questions before entering work and it feels out of place to have your vital signs taken. I go to work planning to take care of patients, not to be one of them. The line of questioning also initially felt slightly accusatory — have I been in contact with COVID-19-positive patients? (Yes). Was I wearing appropriate PPE? (I sure hope so).

Ordinarily, there is little that would intimidate me when walking into the ER. An ambulance unloading a patient in cardiac arrest? At least I know which patient I’m going to see first. A traffic jam of ambulances? I’ll be busy the entire shift, but at least time will fly by. But for some reason, the first few days that I passed through the checkpoint and answered the same series of questions before proceeding into work, I felt different. I was intimidated. I was scared. And I was afraid to even walk in.

The limited and constantly changing information regarding COVID-19 introduced an uncertainty and unease that I was not accustomed to. I was scared that despite my best effort and constant vigilance, I could not completely protect myself from the disease. My safety, and more importantly my family’s safety, seemed to be out of my control in the face of an invisible enemy and deadly pandemic. Would I have enough personal protective equipment…